There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!" One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell, "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!" The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "HA! HA! THERE IS NO LORD I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
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It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm brances. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,"
"Wouldn't you know it?" the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go He shows up!"
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A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
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The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No, sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"
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When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
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A preacher parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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Gladys Dunn had recently moved into a retirement community in a small town. One beautiful Sunday morning she walked to church not far from her apartment. She was in awe of the beautiful church, as well as music from the choir. She wasn't too impressed with the sermon. She thought it was kind of boring, and as she looked around the church, she noticed that many of the parishioners were nodding off.
When the reverend finished, he encouraged his congregation to greet those sitting close by. Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left. He, too, had fallen asleep and was yawning and stretching trying to wake up. He smiled at her, and Gladys returned the smile.
She politely offered her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."
"Boy! You and me both!" the man replied.
